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Jaded Raw Review - 4/1/13 (No, it's not an April Fools Joke)

April 2nd, 2013 (03:41 pm)
enraged

current mood: enraged

It's back. Jaded Raw Reviews are back for those that actually spend time reading these things. And I had to bring it back because of how pissed off I've been about certain storylines that the WWE have been pumping out.

Jaded Raw Thoughts – 4/1/13
Misc.: Bradshaw joins Cole and King for commentary – wOOt! Crap tons of Wrestlemania shilling. Tons of recaps throughout the night, specifically of Cena’s promo from the start. I hate the Touts, as usual.

Cena: “Mixed reaction”? About 2/3rds were booing. “Full of Cenacrats, Rockpublicans…” What? Lame as usual promo from Cena starting off. Still not happy that Rock is the Champ, especially since he technically hasn’t really defended the title that much since he became it. “Cena Sucks” chant that’s quite loud. Pretty much you’re a-typical Cena promo about how he’ll beat the Rock. There is actual “Boring” chants during the promo. Cena got some nuclear heat during the promo and people are pondering if Cena will have a heel run after Wrestlemania. It might happen, but with the way the writing is, who knows?

You know what I just wondered: has Rock wrestled since Rumble? Has he defended the title since then? Because I remember way back in the 90's that you'd get in trouble if you haven't defended a title in 30-90 days. That led to Shawn dropping the Euro title to Triple H in the original "Finger Poke of Death", the one that didn't suck. Can't we do that to Rock? And seconds after pondering this question, Cena says it's the Rock's first defense of the title, so yeah. Also, someone mentioned that Rock wrestled at the Chamber, but it’s still been over 30 days since he defended the title. Can the thirty day rule be applied to him or has it been retconned due to either the seven year rule or because the Rock is just too awesome to follow that rule?

3MB Vs Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Big Show: Bradshaw says that Three Minute Band are what happens if the Mean Street Posse walked into a karaoke bar. It feels like they’re done this match before, but then again, it probably has. Match is alright. Once Big Show gets in, he just kills them all. Combo of the good guys doing their finishers and Show scores the pin. Shield appears in the crowd and taunts Sheamus, Orton, and Show. Alright match.

Swagger crap: Swagger’s new gimmick with this Zeb Colter guy is annoying as fuck. I swear, this Zeb guy reminds me of the guys from Duck Dynasty, but those guys are actually fun to watch. Alberto does a response and pretty much calls them out on their B.S. and that he’ll break Zeb Colter’s mustache tonight.

Daniel “Mr. No” Bryan (with Kane) Vs Dolph Ziggler: Dolph gets the Jobber/Commercial Entrance. It’s also revealed that Vince is on Twitter and announces he’ll have a big announcement on Friday on Smackdown. Very good match. Daniel actually pulled off a Tajiri move, the Tarantula. AJ tricks Kane and gets attacked by Big E. This distracts Daniel, who loses to Dolph. Daniel is also cut right on the bridge of his nose. Big E goes after Daniel, but then Kane gets a hold of him and tries to chokeslam him, but Big E breaks the hold, much to everyone’s surprise, and appears to botch a Big Ending to Kane.

Shawn Michaels: Fan girl mode activated. SQUEE!!!!! Looks great. He brings up the history between him, Hunter, and Brock. Triple H pops out and the bromance is awesome. Hunter says he knows what he’s doing, but Shawn points out Hunter said it’s the same situation as his a few years back. Lots of bromance and Hunter and Shawn having a lovers tift with Shawn telling Hunter he better kick Brock’s ass while Hunter tells him he loves him like a brother. They hug and before Shawn can drop a “Suck It”, Brock comes out with Paul to break up the bromance. Paul, being annoying as sin, goes on again about Brock beating Hunter at Wrestlemania and all that crap and insults at Triple H. Blah Blah Blah, Paul, shut the fuck up. Paul hints that Brock might break Shawn’s arm again and Paul goes on and on again. Also Shawn strips off his vest and shirt until he’s in a white tank top. Not really necessary, but it did make me smile. Great promo.

Wade Barrett Vs Zack Ryder: The commentator shill the WWE Superstore. Ryder does a decent job, but he gets his ass kicked. Miz is at ringside and taunts Barrett while commentating, pretty much sounding like he’s repeating what’s being fed through the headset. Barrett wins and he and Miz have a stare down. Alright match.

Backstage: Santino tells Vickie and Maddox that Vince is there and pissed at them. Vickie calls B.S. and Santino says “April Fools”, saying they looks like they “made caca in their pants”. Santino has a match now.

Santino Vs Mark Henry: I knew it was gonna be someone that’d kill Santino, but I had originally thought it’d be Ryback. Meh, close enough. Santino loudly argues with Mark and grabs the Cobra, but Mark kills him anyway. Ryback comes out and the two have a go at each other, Mark going first. There’s a No Contact Clause in effect, BTW, and Mark taunts him. Ryback uses Santino to attack Mark, using a technicality to get to Mark.

CM Punk: More Punk playing with the Urn crap. Punk’s whole stealing the Urn thing was kinda stupid when they did it in ’95, and bring it back after Paul Bearer’s death is still, in my opinion, in bad taste.

Albert del Rio Vs Zeb Colter (with Jack Swagger): Apparently, Zeb can wrestle, but this match had all the makings of a squash match. Alberto’s got a bitching new shirt, too. Of course, Jack goes after Ricardo and Zeb steals one of Ricardo’s crutches and hits Alberto with it, causing a DQ. Alberto recovers, but Swagger attacks with a crutch. Bradshaw says Alberto deserves the beat down that follows. Bleh.

The Rock: Epic reaction to the Rock by the fans. Rock kinda goes off tracks in his promo, for a moment he rants about running for president before getting back on track. The rest of the promo was you’re a-typical Rock promo as well, nothing really exciting to write home about.

Jericho Vs Antonio Cesario: Commentary spends most of the time talking about Jericho’s match at Wrestlemania with Fandango. Bradshaw makes a joke in relation to Stacy Keibler. Of course, Fandango and his dance partner distract Jericho during the match. Jericho does his best to ignore Fandango, until he finally does a baseball slide kick to Fandango. He then puts Cesario in the walls and makes him tape. Fandango attacks and the two brawl. “You Can’t Wrestle” chant and wicked heat for Fandango. Pretty good match, despite Fandango’s appearance.

Naomi and Cameron (w/ Tensai and Brodus) Vs Bella Twins (w/ Rhode Scholars): Yeah. Typical Diva’s match. Weird seeing The Funkadactyls wrestle. Bellas win, no one really cares.

Undertake “eviscerates” CM Punk: I love that word, “eviscerates”, but does the WWE really understand what the word means? Maybe they did because they decide to say Taker will “Verbally eviscerate” Punk. I really dig Undertaker’s Ministry-styled attire. Taker cuts a very good promo where he admits the streak might end, but Punk won’t live to talk about it. So Undertaker is implying that he’s gonna kill Punk even if his streak gets broken. Suddenly chanting and druids come out. Heyman or some dude comes out dressed as Paul Bearer. Seriously?! Undertaker sheds the robe and makes his way. He then attacks the druids, one being Punk, and they brawl. Punk beats up Taker with the Urn and taunts him. There are actual Punk chants. Seriously!? Punk dumps the contents of the Urn (supposed to be ash, but it could be sand or powder) on Taker. WHAT!? This…, how many ways can I describe how wrong and sick this is?!

Let me tell you people about my earliest memories of watching wrestling. I have memories of watching Survivor Series ’92, Survivor Series ’93, and Royal Rumble ’94, and of those three Pay Per Views, one of the big things I remembered are the Undertaker matches against Kamala and Yokozuna, including the famous monologue after the Rumble match. The Undertaker legitimately scared the hell out of me, but I became a fan because of how talented he was. The Undertaker and Paul Bearer were the first Wrestler and Manager team that I remember being a giant fan of. I loved their chemistry and the way they created storylines, including the introduction of Kane. Seeing Paul Bearer’s death being used not only to fuel a feud, but to this extent is just… so many shades of wrong. This storyline is becoming like what Lian Harpers death in Cry for Justice was for Linkara and Dupree’s resurrection in Ultima 9 was for Spoony. This is probably as worse as the Eddiesploitation from years before, but I doubt anyone would have someone pouring “ashes” from an urn on Rey Mysterio’s face. But THIS? This is almost as bad as the Katie Vick thing from 2002, almost! Yes, Katie Vick is still horrible in my opinion, but if this gets anymore worse, it might actually bump that storyline off its number one post of my Top Ten Worse of Wrestling. I’m very sorry and it may seem I’m being a total prude about this, but this storyline is just despicable, disgusting, disturbing, distasteful, and disrespectful. And yet I wonder why Punk agreed to do this storyline. I have some respect for Punk and hate what they’ve been doing to him early in his recent heel turn, but lately they’ve just been screwing his character around by turning him into a whinny crybaby who now does whatever he can to screw over his opponent to win.

Overall, I give the show a 5.5 out of ten. Some good matches, good build up for Wrestlemania, at least two great promos, Shawn Michaels and Triple H bromance, and some misc stuff that was decent, but the reason I don’t give it a 6.5 is because of the ending with Punk and the urn.