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Paul Project: HIGNFY Season 5 observation, quotes, and pic spam part 1

June 24th, 2009 (09:49 am)

current location: home
current mood: cheerful
current song: "Roses are Red" Aqua

Yes, I'm back and here's season 5 of the Paul Project/HIGNFY spam

Have I Got News For You
Season 5 - "Coopers Creosote", a running gag involving Angus "knocking" Paul's Wife, Caroline stumps Paul, a trippy story, and the BEST. GUEST. EVER!
Names in Bold are the winning team.

Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest

s05-01 16 Apr 1993 Jonathan Ross Peter Cook

Paul’s shirt: olive green long sleeve shirt with small cards(?) on it.

Jonathon: What aftershave are you wearing this evening, Angus?

Angus: I don’t wear aftershave. I never wore aftershave.

Jonathon: You’ve got a very hairy ear.

Angus: Last year it was brown suits. Now it’s hairy ears.

Jonathon: Aural hair is something you only...

Ian: Get in your mouth.

Angus: Where am I?
Jonathon: You’re in the middle of four very lovely men.

Paul and Jonathon are in Paul’s Odd One Out.

Paul: I seem to be wearing lipstick there…

Jonathon: You’ve been out with the Bishop, have you?

Paul: I don’t mind pandering to his needs.

Paul: (to Angus) Oh shut up and comb your ears!

Video phones?

Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest

s05-02 23 Apr 1993 Chris Evans Fiona Armstrong

The ear-hair joke continues

The mud-wrestling clip was on the very best of special.

Paul’s Shirt: gray long sleeve with Zippy on it.

Ian: This is Lethal Weapon 4 where Mel Gibson beats up Danny Glover.

Paul: (Noddy in a car) Jeffrey Archer.

Paul: It’s Cooper's Creosote, the creosote you can trust!

Paul just made up "Cooper's Creosote" to poke fun at all the celebrities who do stupid adverts.

Paul: Is the Pope the only one with a coke habit?

Fiona: This is just so easy this one...

Chris: Excuse me! This is my question!

Fiona: I mean Gazza, Kenneth Tynan, Jools Holland...

Ian: It's the battle of the breakfasts!

Fiona: Those three all have the F-factor!

Chris: I was going to say that actually. Gazza, Ken and Jools have all said the F-word on television shows. Fiona obviously hasn't said the F-word on a television show...

Fiona: Not yet!

Chris: …But she probably said it just after she left one! Maybe.

Paul: We can change that answer right now with one simple word. You know that don't you?

Fiona: No!

Paul: Go on, do it, do it! It's worth a point.

Chris: And that's it!

Ian: Kenneth Tynan was the first person to say 'fuck' on television. I was the latest for two seconds!

Paul: No you fucking weren't!

Ian: Oh fucking yes I fucking was!

Chris: Go on Fiona! Go on Fi! Go on!

Fiona: No! You say it!

Chris: She says it at home!

Fiona: How do you know?

Chris: You must do!

Angus: Have you ever been to Fiona's home?

Fiona: Yes, don't talk about that, oh! Hasn't been to my home? He's been shouting through my letterbox!

Angus: Is that true?

Fiona: Uh huh!

Ian: Really?

Chris: (giggling) Not true at all!

Paul: Has he been shouting through your letterbox?

Fiona: Yes!

Fiona looks accusingly at Chris.

Chris: I mean, I will do if you really want me to!

Ian: It's a great scene, him looking through your letterbox. One of your only viewers!

Chris: Oh, Ian!

Ian: I can't believe someone said that!

Angus: Well, thank God you never did Ian!

Ian: Well there all dead.

Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest

s05-03 30 Apr 1993 Frank Skinner Richard Littlejohn

Paul’s Shirt: Red long sleeve shirt with Clangers on it.

Frank: I think he was teaching his dog how to piss.

Ian: Pulling someone’s nose hair. Not yours, Angus.

Paul: That’s Martin Lewis, obviously, and he’s announcing he’s having an affair with that cat.

“Radio Ga-ga” – wonder how many thought of the Queen song?

Richard has a little microphone trouble during Odd One Out

Paul’s Time loop/Dr. Who joke would be brought back when Boris first hosts in Season 24.

KARAOKE NIGHT on HIGNFY: Paul leads everyone into singing “Aqua-marina”

Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest

s05-04 7 May 1993 Caroline Quentin Baz Bamigboye

Caroline: (after Angus notes that she actually slept with one of the team captains – Paul - and married him) I don’t mind you saying all that, but why did I have to sleep with you as well?

Angus: It’s, uh, it’s just in the contract, but thank you anyway.

The intro of Caroline and the jokes about sleeping with one of the performers was on the very best of.

Angus: And on Mr. Quentin’s side…

Paul attire: blue jacket over black shirt with blue and green circles.

Ian: Group Four's annual barbecue.

Ian: Oh, it's Richard Branson!

Baz: Jolly green giant!

Paul: That's what happens if you eat all your spinach!

Baz: Oh, this is that East German guy, Marcus Woolf...

Paul: Oh yes?

Baz: ...who's a bit upset (unsure) - isn't that him?

Paul: Yeah it's him, yeah.

Angus: And what does Marcus do, Paul?

Paul: What do you mean 'what does he do'? He used to work for the East German secret service and there was a suspicion that John Le Carre used him as one of the characters in "The Spy Who Came In From The Cold" but John Le Carre has denied it was in fact this man, because he named the character after his lawnmower...

Ian: What rubbish! Hand the question over!

Angus: Damn. Yes, it would appear to be right, yes.

Paul: I'm awfully sorry. It was just a fluke!

Baz: I thought he gave them presents of soap or something. Some sort of soap that's currently being advertised.

Ian: What, Paul Merton advertising Lifebuoy?

Paul: It's not Lifebuoy, it's Cooper's Soap, the soap you can trust! You can leave it with fifty quid on the mantelpiece, and you'll come back and it'll still be there!

Ian: Unlike Asil Nadir soap. Fifty quid - gone!

Take a good look at who’s on the TV in Ian and Caroline’s caption.

Paul: “Thin Vicars with their bums showing”?

Caroline: I beg your pardon?

Paul: There isn’t a postcard with thin Vicars with their bums showing!

Caroline: You oughta get out more! (OUCH! Paul got PWNED! By his wife!)

Paul’s got a blank look on his face. He then smirks.

Paul: That’s it, that’s the one. (He takes a drink, then rolls up his sleeves and rubs his hands together in preparation for ‘battle’.) Tried to be nice, we’ve tried to be kind.

Caroline: You wait.

Paul: Yeah, we’ll wait at home. (laughter)

Caroline: Yeah, you’ll bloody have to after this bit.

Baz: (to Ian) Ian, should we let them sit together?

Ian: I was going to recommend a good lawyer.

Caroline: I bet you know a few- oh, you don’t actually, do you?! (laughter)

Ian: Well one actually.

Angus: I feel as if I’m in the middle of a situation comedy.

Paul: It's just only a question of time, Angus.

Paul and Caroline’s little tiff, plus the “You outta get out more” comment, during the tabloid round was on the Very best of. According to Paul, the comment was based on something he often said during that time and when Caroline said it, it threw him off.

Paul’s expression during the Odd One Out where he wasn’t given the points for his Odd One Out was inserted in the Very Best of special during the introduction of Caroline.

Paul: Visible movement in tight clothing? That would be a hell of a spring at the end of the day. (Baz laughs)

Caroline: Probably not. (lots of laughter)

Angus: I think we’ll draw a hasty veil over this one.

Paul: I’ve been worried a lot lately!!

Caroline: Me too.

Paul: (About what’s not allowed in Disney) Why’s Mickey Mouse there?

Caroline: Eh? Well he hasn’t got a beard.

Ian: He’s a perfect mouse.

Paul: Well, he’s not a perfect human being, is he?

Caroline: Better than some.

“Princess endorses *what*” Paul: Is it “Cooper Creosote”?

Caroline: I think that little girl is saying “Oh look, a Pig”!

Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest

s05-05 14 May 1993 Meera Syal Amanda Platell

Paul’s Attire: Dark blue jacket over gray shirt with red frame around a black gate (?). On the commentary, Paul states that he might still have the shirt he has on in this episode.

Meera: (on the whale) Oh, they found Robert Maxwell, great!

Paul: (to Amanda) Do you know (Angus)’s been knocking off my missus.

Laughter, Angus shakes head.

Amanda: I saw that last week. It’s absolutely extraordinary.

Angus: That was, uh, contractually obligation, I’ve explained that.

Amanda: So that was all that fine print that I couldn’t read?

Angus: Yes, well-.

Paul: It’s the repeat fees that bother me.

Angus: Yes, looking forward to the residuals.

Paul: You do, you clear it up yourself!

Angus: Yes. Look forward to this one going out as half past eight on Sunday night.

Paul: That’s what she said. (Crowd ooos and claps)

The famous "Angus is Knocking Off Paul's Wife" row begins.

Angus: …to make wheling – “Wheeling”?! (laughs)

Paul: It’s illegal to put wheels on a whale.

Paul: She said “Is next Thursday all right with you”?

Angus: Unfortunately, I’m seeing Ian’s wife on that night.

Paul: Can you disguise your disappointment when we get a question right?

Angus: No.

And there’s the “Coopers Creosote” advert joke.

Paul: You’ll be doing voice-overs in a bit.

Angus: Yes, next Monday.

Paul: (a bit angry) When you’re not knocking off my wife! (laughter)

Angus: So jealous.

Ian: (On Angus mispronouncing potpourri) “Pot” porie?

Paul: Potpourri.

Ian: Pot noodle!

Paul: She said “Can you wear something distinctive”? (laughter) Because she’s forgotten what you look like.

Angus: Well I got a number of brown suits to choose from.

Angus: Well, I’ll give you one.

Paul: Name the date so I can tell me wife. Keep it in the family, Angus?

Angus: Wednesday night, alright? Um, yeah, I’ll give you one because you got the… (laughter)

Paul: Is that the same one you gave me earlier?

Angus: No, no.

Paul: You’re a fifth boy, aren’t you?

Angus: But I’ll give Meera one as well.

Paul: Well why don’t you start with the front row of the audience?! You animal!

Angus: I’m afraid that’s sort of the man I am.

Angus’s “I’ll give you one” convo with Paul during Meera’s Odd One Out, plus the joke about Caroline, was on the Very Best of Special.

“*Who* is ‘Mr. Wobbly’” Paul chuckles. Ian: Apparently, you are, Angus!

*SQUEE!!* Angus mentions Sonic the Hedgehog!!!


Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest

s05-06 21 May 1993 Mark Thomas David Steel

Paul’s attire: Blue jacket over gray shirt with a black and blue print of some object (could be a submarine) on it.

Mark: (on the garbage cluttered floor) That’s my flat.

Paul: My wife says “Hello” by the way.

Paul: She said she had a lovely meal by the way.

Angus: Good.

Paul: Been a long time since she had a kebab. (laughter, applause)

Angus: And very good of her to pay it on the joint account.

Paul: You’re just making up words and trying to pass them off as French! Anyone can do that!

Angus: Bom, bom.

Paul: What was that noise then? Was that your testicles dropping?

Paul: Hang on, my pen’s run out. And he never said goodbye.

Ian: I prefer it where you two do the bit about knocking off his wife.

Paul: That’s only because you like to watch! You owe me 15 quid for the other night. I don’t just hire out step-ladders to anybody, you know.

Angus: We shan’t delve-

Paul: The chemist said the pictures will be back on Saturday, right.

Ian: Is this a “Kiss-and-Tell” question?

Angus: Maybe…

Paul: Give him a kiss and he’ll tell you.

I think this is where the first law scandal appears for the show with Angus’s comments about Michael Winner’s underpants being rumoured to not being clean.

The Dog Caption was on the Very Best of Special.

Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest

s05-07 28 May 1993 Alan Coren John Simpson

Paul’s attire: Blue jacket over a dark blue, gray, light blue, and yellow shirt.

Paul: (about Angus’s sideburns) So is there are reason why your growing them?

Angus: I'm actually growing them because your wife rather liked them

Paul looks stunned.

Paul: Then let her grow her own!

Paul: Basel Brush is the only one who works with a hand up him.

Alan: (after hearing Thatchers version of the Gettysburg Address) I never realized Rory Bremner needed the work so badly.

John: Er, I was in the jungle; I was in the jungle...

Paul: I was in the jungle! There was nothing on the telly, I was bored...

John: ...it seemed a good idea at the time...

Paul: ...okay, so I smoked a few trees!

John: Half-naked savages came towards me waving implements - that was the television crew - they boiled up some stuff. I thought- I drank it. I thought I was going to see the secret of the universe, but it is actually true that a six foot goldfish (Paul chuckles) put his flipper around my shoulders. (Demonstrates by putting an arm around Paul) I think this is the time to tell you, he had dark glasses and a straw hat, and said 'How's it going, man?' And I said 'fine thanks', and he then evaporated, and there rests the case for the defence, m'lud!

Paul: It might well be the secret of the universe.

John: Do you think it is?

Paul: Yeah, I mean the fish that was caught in the Queen Mother's throat might have been trying to communicate with us. 'All You Need Is Love' or something.

John: Was that six foot?

Paul: It wasn't by the time she had finished chewing it, no.

Ian: Is that the only time you've been stoned?

John: Er...can we just talk this over privately afterwards?


Angus: John Simpson, BBC News...

John: Somewhere in Babylon!

Alan: Yes, yes.

Paul: You haven't got any left have you?

John: See me afterwards. There's a little man out there with no clothes on.

Paul: Is there?

John: Yep.

Angus: And so...

Ian: Is that Martin Bell?

John: Only after you’ve had several drinks!

Paul: I'm just wondering - are we here or is this just a trip you're having?

John: No, it's a trip, yeah, it's a trip...

Paul: No, this can't be real - we're losing, look!

Angus: No, it's real, I can assure you.

John Simpson’s talk about his trip and tribal drug adventure was on the Very Best of Special.

Ian: (on his group) Mellor’s been on all of them.

The Birth of first showbiz chicken was on the very best of special.

Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest

s05-08 4 Jun 1993 Tony Slattery The Rt. Hon. Tub of Lard MP

Paul’s shirt: black t-shirt with I Drink Cooper's Creosote in white text.

Once again, Roy Hattersley fails to show up on the show for the third time, so he is replaced by something interesting: a Tub of Lard!! The introduction of Mr. Lard was on the Very Best of.

-On the commentary, they discuss how the Tub of lard bit came up. According to Paul, he was working on his sketch show when he got called up by the producers and told him about Hattersley pulling out and that they were going to replace him with the Tub of lard. Paul agreed and hung up without giving it a moments thought. Ian had thought it was a terrible idea and that it would never work. He was wrong.

Ian: Should it be “The Tub of Lard” and the “Other Tub of Lard”?

Paul removes his binder from the front of his chest, revealing that his shirt says “I drink Cooper’s Creosote”.

Angus: Do you have anything else to add?

Paul: (referring to the Tub of Lard) Ask him!

Angus: Paul and the Tub of Lard…

Ian: (on The Tub of Lard) Bit formal, can't we call him Tubby?

Angus: Ok, Paul and Tubby....

Paul: That’s Mr Lard to you! (He gives it a glass of water)

Angus: Paul and Lord Lard.

Paul: When she said they were unwashed, they just might’ve been new.

Tony: (surprised and cutely) That’s true!!

Angus: That’s doubtless the case.

Paul: I don’t think you should apologize; I think we should go to trial and see if the underpants stand up in court.

Angus apologizing about the remarks about Michael Winner’s underpants being unwashed, then Paul’s remarks were on the Very Best of Special.

Angus: One of its pitfalls was that unlike its rivals, it never had to deal with real life issues, such as how to put on a condom. Unless you wanted to put a condom on a pillow, presumably.

One of Jackie's rivals Mizz this month goes into detail...

Paul: But would you get a condom on a pillow?

Angus: It's a very good point well made I think, Paul.

Paul: Thank you.

Ian: I bet the Tub of Lard put you on to that one!

Paul: Yeah. Oh, if you had a Tub of Lard you could get a condom on a pillow!

Tub of Lard: (silence)

Ian: Well, since he can't get it...

Paul: (protesting) Hang on a minute!

Angus: You haven't given him a chance yet!

Paul: He's only just seen it! (Pause for laughter) He can't see the monitor from there anyway, (picks up the tub of lard and moves it so it can ‘see’ the monitor) look!

Paul defending the Tub of Lard in the Tabloid round wad on the Very Best of special.

Tony: Is it something to do with mummies and… oesophaguses? No, that's a part of the throat isn't it?! (laughs) What do I mean?

Paul: No, they've found...

Tony: Sarcophaguses, sorry!

Ian: The Queen Mummy got something stuck in her throat!

Tony: A pillow, probably!

Paul: Might have been a Tub of Lard, you don't know!

Tony: Yeah!

God I love Tony.

Tony: Oh yes, I read this. This is the American football team and the coach of the team gave his teenage players an incentive, that if they did - very simple really - if they did well, they could shag his wife! But apparently there was a sliding scale, if that's the way to put it (Paul laughs) - oops, back to the lard again - if they scored one point or whatever, they got oral sex. It was all rather saucy, really.

Angus: Yes, it's American football coach Randy Brown, who has been on trial...

Tony: No! No, that wasn't his name!

Angus: It was!

Tony: It wasn't!

Angus: Randy Brown, who has been on trial with his wife in California after offering her as an incentive to his underage team. A good pass was rewarded with a kiss, a vital tackle was rewarded with oral sex and every goal was rewarded with full sex. Just as well they don't have penalty shoot-outs in American football.

Paul: What about the goalkeeper?

Angus: He didn't get much of a look-in, I'm afraid!

Paul: No!

Tony: What do you mean by 'vital tackle'?

Angus: What it means!

Tony: Do you mean very energetic?!

Angus: Yes, something along those lines. They've both been on trial and Mrs Brown has now gone down for five years, so no change there.

Paul: The Tub of Lard- the Roy Hattersley…

Paul: (doing the voice of the Tub of Lard) Is it Barry Manalow?

Tony: Is it something to do with baths?

Angus: ….No.

Tony: Damn! Damn!

“Major eases *what*” Tony: Himself into Lamont’s welcoming buttocks.

"M. Clinton s'apprêterait à changer de *What*?" Paul: (makes his ‘hmm’ face) Right, well, bearing in mind I did Metal Work…

Tony: Wait, wait, wait! M. Clinton s'apprêterait à changer de pantalons PRISTINEMENT BLANC de Michael Winner!

Ian: (stares at Tony in amazement for a few seconds) Allegedly.

Tony: Allègement.

Paul: If anyone's interested I can make a trowel! (Makes a puppy face)

"Die Bank von England gibt große *What* zu?” Paul: Well, I- I don’t know! Is it je-ta-uuhh?! (Don’t make me translate what Paul said, PLEASE!)

Paul: Am I in one of John Simpson's trips? (Laughter, especially from Tony) I'm sitting here with a Tub of Lard answering questions in German!

"*What* как символ европеизации?" Paul: Well it’s not Michael Winner because the second word is “Kak”, look. Some of those letters are upside-down!

Angus: They like it that way.

Ian: Is it Yeltsin?

Tony: Yeltsin?

Angus: No.

Tony: Damn!

Paul: “Is it Yeltsin?” (Laughs) I must’ve been sick the day we did this in school!

Tony: Is it Perestroika or sumthin’ like that? (I just love how he asks that)

“[Chinese Characters]...*What*” Paul: Is it bean fried rice?

Angus: And Finally: “*What*”

All of Paul’s questions were on the Very best of due to the pure hilarity of it. According to Paul in the commentary, Stephen Fry thought that Paul’s talk about his CSE un-graded Metalwork class wasn’t real. It was. Also, Paul says that despite him saying it on the show, he cannot make a trowel.

Ian: This is very sad when I can't win against Paul with a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language! I feel like Graham Taylor!

Ian’s sadness over losing to Paul and the Tub of lard was on the Very Best of special.

The Virginia Bottomley pic was on the very best of special

Part two to be coming shortly, so stay tuned.